What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 18.06.2025 10:30
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
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Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She married twice! .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
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My mum and dad in the seventies!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
How do you fight the push and pull (manipulation) tactic if you want to win him?
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
So whats the point in blame.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
My life is so biszare .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
(And it was in our own minds.)
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
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And i lived it daily.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
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I could never make a relationship work though!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
My family never makes their pension either.
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She wouldn,t have been !
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
What melts your heart every time without fail?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She was in good health!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Who then, do I blame.?
I did it because my mum asked me too!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I said to her
We were not on the streets..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I have no regrets .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She loved him until the end.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I don,t even have a pension.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I think the readers, may guess!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Especially a lifetime of it.
I waited trembling.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I was very sick at this time too.
This is soul school!.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
When she asked me how she looked .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He knew the spot.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But it wasn’t much.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Put me off passion for life!!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Comes on , in middle age.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I was seconnd youngest,
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I was scared of men, in general
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I will be 64.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
As i do to all so called friends.?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
We all went to grammer schools
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
What did i know ?
He resisted the act ,that day.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But, we were locked up after school.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Would this be the day?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I was 9 years of age.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
So, i spoilt her more .
Ive learnt so much.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She found it foreign!.
It was going to be , some day.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Im still living with it.
I write beautiful poetry .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
One cannot live in the past .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
All the time i was locked up.